Milk is a substance produced by female mammals for their new born offspring. The neonate soon moves on to solids, developing his/her tastebuds away from formless sweet pap, to more sophisticated bitter, spicy and sour food types. Eventually the young female or male will reach his/her apotheosis by discovering alcohol. First cheap sweet drinks such as Thunderbird or Strongbow, then full strength lagers and eventually fine wines and spirits. This is the process of maturation for the healthy normal adult human being.


The pitiable neotony of the chocoholic is a consequence of arrested development. Instead of milk products derived from the lactating female mammal, the chocoholic seeks out an equally formless sweet pap known at the chocolate bar. This entity has no character whatsoever, is the colour and texture of excrement and rapidly melts in the mouth to form a claggy gloop that rots the teeth.


Sweets are for children. Chocolates are sweets. Crisps have their place in a pub next to a pint. No snacks should be allowed in theatres. People should eat less in general. Grazing is for sheep. Breakfast is for sissies, lunch is for wimps. Bring back rationing. Ban the import of green beans and other out of season vegetables from Africa and other far-flung locations. You should not be allowed to eat meat unless you have killed the animal with your own hands. Anyone who eats Yakult or Actimel should be sectioned under the mental health act of 1983.


Don’t believe the servants of Satan who tell you alcohol is bad for you. Remember, alcohol is just water with some nice natural good things added to it. A minimum rate per unit is a tax on the poor. Cheap booze is a human right. Libraries and cheap booze are the last bastions of working class culture. First they dismantled the trade unions, then they got rid of working class jobs, then they got rid of working class society. Now they want to destroy the god given right we all have to destroy ourselves prematurely in a cloud of intoxication. It is this insight which separates the man from the boy, the woman from the girl. Without alcohol we are all babies condemned to suck on Satan’s teat forever.


Michael Stewart




About headspam

I'm a writer from Salford, now based in Bradford. I've written for theatre, radio and TV. And the following books: King Crow (novel: Bluemoose Books); Couples (poetry: Valley Press); Cafe Assassin (novel: Bluemoose Books); Mr Jolly (short stories: Valley Press) Author page:
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