The following people have been arrested on suspicion of annoying the nation: journalists who say they have ‘revealed’ a story when they are merely reporting it, Piers Morgan, the scriptwriting team for the BBC Radio 4 continuing drama The Archers, people who put their feet on the chairs on buses, a 36 year old man wearing a T-shirt with the slogan, ‘a blow-job is better than no job’, people who tweet where they are and what they are eating, post workers who post you a ‘while-you-were-out’ card without bothering to knock on your door, bus drivers who don’t have change for a five pound note, anybody who drinks Yakult, anyone found at a literature festival wearing a cream linen suit, the entire judging panel of So You Think You Can Dance, a famous singer who had her husband’s name tattooed on her neck and is now divorced, people who say something happened ‘literally’ when they mean ‘figuratively’, Graham Norton, farmers who shout that your dog should be on a lead when in fact it is them who should be on a lead, a music reviewer who declared that Lady Gaga was ‘the Marilyn Manson of pop’ (note to this person – Marilyn Manson is the Marilyn Manson of pop), the same music reviewer who then went on to say Lady Gaga asserting ‘Jesus is the new black’ is a bold, ballsy claim, when it is in fact simply moronic, and finally, a woman caught allowing her dog to defecate outside my house who said that it was another dog’s even though I saw the dog do it.

Michael Stewart

A tribute to HMHB


About headspam

I'm a writer from Salford, now based in Bradford. I've written for theatre, radio and TV. And the following books: King Crow (novel: Bluemoose Books); Couples (poetry: Valley Press); Cafe Assassin (novel: Bluemoose Books); Mr Jolly (short stories: Valley Press) Author page:
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