“Hey, gweat to see you, you look gweat, weally weally gweat. Hey, you’ve got it all going on, have you had any work done? Anyway, don’t you think I look gweat? I’m nearly fifty you know and the only sign of ageing is that I let out a bit of wee when I laugh – please agwee with me about how gweat I look. Now, listen, your new film/book/TV show is the best thing ever. It’s weally gweat and I weally weally mean that. I know I’m asking you a lot of questions and not allowing you to answer them but this is my show, I’m the star even though I’ve been sacked. Now, I’m happily married to my beautiful wife but I would love to fuck you. Ha! Only joking. Are you following me on Twitter? I’m following you on Twitter. I will let you answer one of these questions at some point but lets flirt a bit more first and let me make more sexual suggestions in order to get a cheap laugh. Hey, listen, this has been gweat. I’m your biggest fan ever, congratulations on your film/book/TV show, it weally is wonderful. We’ve just got time now for me to gwope you as you leave. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I’m sure you’ll agwee s/he has been a gweat guest. Ha! Ha! I’m so funny. Ha! Ha! Ha!”

Michael Stewart


About headspam

I'm a writer from Salford, now based in Bradford. I've written for theatre, radio and TV. And the following books: King Crow (novel: Bluemoose Books); Couples (poetry: Valley Press); Cafe Assassin (novel: Bluemoose Books); Mr Jolly (short stories: Valley Press) Author page:
This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.


  1. Anonymous says:

    a brilliant piece of satire from my talented cousin… I wish he wasn’t so funny – bastard..

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s